A blast from the past - vol 1

I did a lot of stupid things when I was a kid, and I've decided to log as many of these stories as I can remember. There will also be random things about people I remember from elementary school.

First let start off with my friend JJ. We did some dumb shit together.

Story number 1:
One summer day, me and JJ decided it would be a cool thing to rip apart my moms tulip bed which was massive, and throw them at each other. It turns out it wasn't as good of an idea as we once though once my parents got home. I vaguely remember try to re-plant the tulips after we were done, but I still have no fucking clue how to plant anything, so I doubt I knew back then.

Anyway, I'm surprised my mom didn't take a sawed off shotgun to my head, and I'm surprised JJ's parent's didn't smack him upside the head with a bible as that was pretty much the only object they had in their house. All I recieved was as grounding for a few weeks, and the loss of all my He-man toys which was a big deal. Sorry, mom.

Story number 2:
Me and JJ didn't always get along, and the first person I ever knocked the fuck out was in fact JJ. I remember one week he was just terrorizing me, so one day I got sick of it and just threw a right cross at that fuckers face as hard as I could, and dropped him. I was 6, and he was 4. His dad didn't like it too much since he saw the whole thing. I remember him yelling at me to come back so he could ground me. The thing is, he wasn't my fucking parent. I didn't get grounded for that one.

Story number 3:
It was winter, and me and JJ, and some other friends decided it was a good idea to go down the steepest fucking hill we could on a sled. It was a one man sled. It was one of those plastic snowmobile looking fuckers. I don't know if you remember them, but they did exist.

Anyway it was my turn, so on I get. I remember going fucking fast as hell, and smashing into a tree and it hurt a lot. Needless to say, I only did it 3 more times. We then went and watched ninja turtles.

Story number 4:
JJ's mom, Margie, hated snot. In fact, I swear she started some sort of underground snot hating cult.

Anyway, me, JJ, and the two fuckers who had me get on that sled were playing mario bros. 1 on nintendo one day when she came in the room, and freaked out about some snot on the carpet. This thing was fucking huge, and I have no idea where it came from. She demanded we shut off the nintendo, and that there would be no more nintendo until someone confessed who's booger it was. No one was doing it, so I just fucking did it so I could play nintendo again. Well my plan didn't go as planned since I was grounded for yet another week by my fucking parents, and it wasn't even my booger. No one else confessed either...those fuckers.

Come to think of it, Margie also had a thing with us ripping the crust of our toast, and puke. She just couldn't handle this shit. Weird, man. I also saw her in her bra and panties once by accident, and yeah, she had a tight body.

Story number 5:
This won't be so much a story as much as it will be random JJ thoughts
- Us running from lots of wasps
- Peeing in his backyard, and getting caught
- Smashing a meter stick over his head when playing hide and go seek
- Steeling some of his legomen - sorry, dude. They were just too fucking cool.
- Riding down steep hills on skateboards on our stomachs, and wiping out.

Leaving messages...

I'm done leaving phone messages for people unless I get to leave it on THAT persons voice mail. If you take a message then give the person the fucking message.

Mara....

My friend, Mara, invited me for dinner last night, and her friend, Tracey, was visiting. Tracey had left her regular glasses at home, and only had her sunglasses so we had to turn on all the lights in the house so she could see where she was going, and even then she almost walked right through the sliding glass door. I saw her face imprinted on the glass. Good times.

Dinner was good though. Those two women can cook pretty well, I must say. Their music taste needs improvement, however. I think I'll go listen to something with riffs, solo's, and good playing now.

A good night...

My grandparents came into town today, and I haven't seen them for probably 5 years. It was great to see them, and we went to my aunts 50th b-day after picking them up. The food and company was superb, and my grandma spilled red wine all over herself within 5 minutes of being there. Somethings never change, and that is good.

Oh...my uncle bought a red Nissan 350Z. Look it up, and drool.

Craig...

I recently got a new self protection student named Craig, and I'm really looking forward to teaching him. He's had his first lesson which he really enjoyed even though he got a little dinged up. I really like demoing my stuff on people by telling them to attack me full out with whatever they want, and then all of a sudden they find that they are being ripped into. It was an eye opener for him to say the least. Good times. He's about 6'0, 260lbs. The bigger the better.

I just need to work with him on the psychological side a lot as he can already hit really hard. His verbal skills need a bit of tweaking, and his ego needs to be a lot smaller, but he already knows this, so it should go smoothly.

Neil...

My friend, Neil, is hilarious and he could be a bass god if only he practiced. He will get there when he gets more time, I'm sure.

Anyway this is what he said about me the other while chatting on msn. Funny shit.

Neil says:
I figured it out, man
Neil says:
You gots the perfect fucking combo going on
Neil says:
You gots the guitar hero thing happening...I mean, what girl doesn't cream her panties over guitar players?
Neil says:
Then, you gots the 'tough guy' thing happening, what with knocking out coffee-throwing teens and money-demanding crackheads
Neil says:
THEN
Neil says:
Number three
Neil says:
You appeal to their nurturing side - which all women, with the exception of actual female psychopaths, have in spades - because you were born minus a leg
Neil says:
You lucky fucker
Neil says:
It's the perfect storm of pussy attracting
Neil says:
You cock

Old ladies who are assholes...

I had one of my angry days yesterday....I'm trying to cut down on them.

So yesterday I was waiting for my friend, Mara, outside the mall. I was sitting on a bench when these two old lady's come by and say "excuse us" as they sit on same bench as me which was fine. Then the oldest of the two ladies pulls out a pack of smokes which was not fine. You don't come up to some guy on a bench, sit your two fat asses down next to him, and start smoking when he is clearly not.

Anyway, they turned out to be mother and daughter (go figure!!), and the daughter is calling a cab for her mom. Just as I was about to tell the mom to shove her cigarette up her ass before she lit it the cab came. "What a way to ruin a perfectly good cigarette" she said. "Good," I said.